4 Complex PTSD Symptoms that Are Hard to Deal With
These C-PTSD symptoms make life so difficult and challenging
Having complex PTSD is like having an invisible illness. You don’t know when the symptoms might pop up and the symptoms are often hard to deal with. There is no textbook on how to keep your sanity when a c-PTSD breakdown strikes.
However, some specific c-PTSD symptoms are harder to deal with than others. Here are some complex trauma behaviors that I find challenging.
1. The other person is the ‘enemy’
Complex trauma expert, Dr. Jacob Ham believes that people who have gone through childhood trauma need to project the fear that other people might turn out to be their enemy. In a relationship with a friend or a partner, you will feel compelled to demonize this person.
Why? It is a survival mechanism. As a child, you had to create a scenario where someone is the enemy and the other the victim (in an abusive household, you knew you were abused, so yes, your caretaker was the perpetrator; however, outside your family, very few people are going to behave like your parent).
This is the child’s black-and-white thinking that is often encouraged in an abusive family.
If you behave good, you are good. If you have done something bad, you are bad. There is nothing in between. However, growing up means unlearning this toxic trait. Very few scenarios in life are about someone being bad and the other being good. Good people do bad things all the time. It doesn’t mean we should vilify them and call them ‘bad’.
Good versus bad is an immature way of looking at the world, so please drop this habit.
2. They rejected me. It means I am ‘bad’.
This nasty c-PTSD trait plagued my entire existence.
I have been rejected by many people in my 41 years on this planet. My parents, teachers, potential employers, magazine editors, people I was dating, boyfriends and even friends. Each time I got a rejection, my world would crumble and it often felt like dying.
Childhood trauma survivors take rejection personally because they can’t separate their worth from the other person’s worldview.
They think their value is in how others see them. Thus, when they are rejected for that job they thought they’d be perfect, they feel extreme shame about it. They think the hiring manager hated how they talked during the interview or how they carried themselves.
The truth about job rejection is this: employers will reject you because it is convenient for them (you might live far from the company’s offices or you are not already someone working for them).
You might also not have the amount of experience they need and they’re trying to go with someone who they don’t have to train.
About love and dating.
A date might reject you for reasons that are not about you at all.
People go on thousands of dates until they find the right fit. You are maybe not the right personality for that guy or girl and that’s OK. Not everyone likes everyone. If that were true, the world would be boring as hell.
A little tip:
Make sure that when a rejection pops into your e-mail, you do some self-care. Listen to your favorite song or a guided meditation. And remember that there is nothing personal about being rejected. Your parent might have rejected you by ignoring your needs and that was indeed personal.
However, not everyone is like your abusive parent. People are usually nice and are not looking for ways of putting you down or decreasing your worth.
3. Not wanting to be in a relationship
After a lifetime of being abused by narcissistic parents or caretakers, it makes sense that you might not want to be in a relationship.
Romantic or interpersonal relationships are challenging for c-PTSD sufferers. That’s because we have relationship wounds from when we were abused as kids.
Our parents taught us that ‘everyone is going to hurt us’ through their extreme emotional neglect, abuse and lack of care.
A child forms their worldview from how they are treated by their mother or father. If you are betrayed in this primary relationship, you end up forming a negative relationship view.
This is why survivors of childhood trauma would rather be alone than in a relationship. It is ‘safer’ to not have a relationship than to expose yourself to someone who might hurt you.
Pete Walker, the author of ‘Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving’ thinks that, to heal our relational wounds, we need to face our demons.
Thus, instead of hiding from relationships, we need to exercise being with other people. He believes the only way to develop healthy, relational skills is by being in healthy, adult relationships.
Makes sense, doesn’t it?
4. Not feeling your feelings
Another difficult c-PTSD symptom is not wanting to feel emotions.
This trait is so ingrained in me that I find it hard to undo it. Each time I want to cry, I find myself thinking of something else. ‘Go for a walk, you’ll feel better’, I tell myself. And so, I go for a walk and I forget about crying.
This is a habit of avoiding one’s own emotions. Avoiding ‘feeling’ emotions was taught by a dysfunctional parent because it benefitted them.
Example: A narcissistic mother might yell at you and tell you to stop shouting at her otherwise, she’ll slap you. You, of course, comply but, later on, as an adult, you find yourself repressing your anger.
Your abusive mother did not want you to express anger because it would have challenged her. Narcissists don’t want to be challenged, especially by ‘insignificant’ people like children. Kids do not have power in a relationship and they take advantage of that.
Therapy will help a lot with this symptom. A good therapist will teach you to express intense feelings in a safe environment. I learned how to express anger and grief but it took years of practice. I often go back to repressing my feelings because it is so easy to do so.
Conclusion
Complex trauma is an emotional illness that often goes unnoticed (both by us and other people).
Some c-PTSD symptoms are hard to deal with. However, if you are interested in your recovery, you’ll be handling these symptoms and exercising new healthy habits that will make your life better.
