How to Tell if Your Date is a Narcissist
The more exciting they are, the more you need to watch out
If you grew up with narcissistic parents, it’s almost certain you’re going to date narcissists at one point in life. It’s not a rule but, you’re more prone to choosing them over healthy people.
Therefore, I’ve thought of making a list of behaviors and personality quirks of narcissists during a first date. That is if you decide to date and search for a mate.
They are exciting and larger-than-life
Narcissistic people are not exciting but they are skilled at putting up a false image that will charm you and hook you.
They will take you to fancy restaurants, hot air balloon rides, cruises, and romantic places you’re dying to go to.
If this happens and your date is over the top, ask yourself: Why are they trying so hard? They can’t like me that much. They don’t even know me. What are they trying to accomplish?
Choose someone boring or less exciting during the dating phase. Trust me, ‘boring’ people are healthy and/or have boundaries.
They won’t let you get a word in
For me, a good sign of a narcissistic date is when they go on and on about themselves. When I try to share something, they’ll either interrupt me or try to tie back what I said to an experience they had. It’s not cool.
If they are self-involved when you just met them, imagine how many of their problems you’ll have to put up with when you’re in the depths of a relationship with them.
They don’t pay
(this is mostly for women)
The narcissists I’ve dated never paid for my drinks. During the relationship, they insisted on splitting the bill. They were cheap and unkind even when we were in a comfortable, steady relationship.
Why? I believe it’s because money is important to narcissists. They don’t give out money easily. I’ve never seen a narcissist pay for their friends’ meals or rent or go out of their way to buy a meaningful gift.
They don’t have the empathy to understand that sometimes, a friend needs financial help. Or that paying for your girlfriend is a way of investing in her and the relationship.
They don’t think of the long-term implications of not being generous with their intimate relationships, friends and family members. When you help someone financially or invest in a romantic relationship is not a financial thing. It’s a ‘commitment’ thing. You’re investing your care, your generosity and your trust in the other person.
You know that taking care of someone creates ‘intimacy’. Narcissists don’t like intimacy, though. They love transactional relationships. They will give money to a friend only if said friend will offer something in return.
They don’t ask questions
Narcissists are not interested in you as a person. They don’t want to hear your thoughts about stuff that is happening in the world.
They don’t want to know how life is for you in the new city. They just want you to finish what you had to say so they can chime in about their own life, tastes and experiences. The message here is that you’re not interesting, so why would they ask questions to try and get to know you?
They talk about their exes
I noticed that people who are unhealthy will talk about their exes and they will often paint them in a negative light. My ex did this to me and now I have to heal and repair my self-esteem. They do this so they can garner sympathy from you.
It is not nice to talk badly about anyone, let alone doing it on a first date.
Narcissists will have no problem demonizing their past relationships and painting themselves as a victim. They want to bond with you fast, thus, making themselves the innocent victim will make them feel closer to you.
When someone tells you a sob story about being mistreated by someone else, wouldn’t you want to comfort them and help them?
If you’re an empathetic person, you would. That’s why narcissists will share terrible things that happened to them in their relationships.
They can’t just say ‘Me and her had different views on family and children’. They need to go straight for the ‘She tried to steal my kids and burn my house down.’
They break boundaries
Narcissists don’t like to be rejected. They will put you down if you refuse them or say ‘I can’t’. A narcissist breaking boundaries on the first date might look like this: they might try and kiss you and ignore you if you say ‘no’
They might try to invite themselves over to your house and even assault you if you refuse to get intimate with them. Be careful with this. Don’t take any stranger home. You don’t know what they can do once they’re in your cosy home, away from the eyes of the public.
This applies to both men and women. Women can assault men, too.
Also, do not go to anyone’s home if you don’t know them or have spent enough time with them to assess their behavior. I have done this a few times and have gotten myself assaulted in my date’s home. I have learned from my mistakes and won’t do it again.
They treat wait staff badly
Narcissistic people don’t treat the wait staff nicely. I think people in service jobs like waiters, cleaners, kitchen workers and such are considered to be at the ‘bottom of the barrel’ for narcissists.
Narcissistic individuals admire success, money and power. Entry-level job workers are in no position of power. I believe wait staff triggers narcissists or reminds them of their inferiority complex. When narcissists are triggered, they can become abusive or arrogant with those around them.
So, watch out for signs of superiority, arrogance or ‘I’m better than that guy’ attitude. The truth is, we should all thank people in the service and hospitality sector because they help society flourish. Without kitchen workers, chefs and wait staff, we wouldn’t have exquisitive dining experiences.
Conclusion
Narcissists can hide well and, most of the time, in plain sight. They put up a fake front to garner your attention, pity and sympathy.
If you go on dates, check for signs of arrogance, negative thinking, gossiping or trash talk. A lack of boundaries or not accepting the word ‘no’ are red flags. But most importantly, check with your intuition. If you don’t like how you feel around your date, move on. They don’t have to be a narcissist for you to not want to be with them.
