It Is OK To Go Back To Your Abuser

Marlena Bontas
3 min readMar 23, 2023
Photo by Pixabay

People who emotionally (and sometimes physically) abuse others will have no problem welcoming you back into a relationship with them if you’re OK with it.

They won’t tell you they missed you or ask about your well-being.

They’ll simply gloat about the fact that you just couldn’t stay away from them. You needed to have them back into your life because, well, they’re a catch.

However, for you, the one who got the brunt of their violence, it’s a matter of guilt, shame or addiction. If you’ve been raised by a parent (or both parents) who exhibits Cluster B traits, then you’re more likely to fall for people who are emotionally unstable and have similar personality traits.

I know that you felt guilty when you decided to leave your abuser. Or perhaps you wanted to give them a second chance. That’s normal. We are humans and we don’t normally want to cut people out of our lives for good. We want to make things work because we’re social creatures and love companionship.

Thus, if you feel guilty for breaking up with an abusive ex, know that it’s OK. You’re doing the best you can with the information you have at the moment. You don’t have to leave now or, if you left and you want to go back for the sake of your child (you may feel guilty that the child will grow up without a father), then do it. Go back and see how it feels to be again in a relationship with someone who’s abusing your mental state.

I have done it and many people I know have done it as well.

I have gone back to my mother and lived with her, hoping that this time she will be different. I was not in touch with her for 4 years and was convinced that during these years, she developed guilt and shame for the way she treated me over the years. I wanted to see her show remorse and treat me nicely. I wanted to hear ‘Sorry’ and ‘Thank you’ coming from her mouth.

I wanted a warm hug and a cup of tea, a warm meal and an ‘I’m proud of you’ from her. These desires are normal. Every human being on this planet wants to feel accepted, loved and protected by their mother (or father).

Everyone out there needs the husband or wife’s support, love and validation. They want to hear “I missed you” from them and “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that” or “Can we start all over again?” or “I love you and appreciate you for who you are”.

That is why we go back to them, to the people who hurt us. We think that this time it will be different. That they’ll see they hurt us and will decide to make amends. Why? Because if, through some larger-than-life miracle, the one who hurt us changes and becomes the person to give us the unconditional love we so desperately need, then, we made it.

We have broken the curse of intergenerational abuse. The trauma that looms over our heads will no longer be there because, well, we’re safe now. We have made a good choice and we’re OK. Safe. Happy.

Accepted and at peace.

— -


Going back into the fold of an abusive relationship is OK. If what you need is to prove to yourself that it won’t work out. That it will be the same story all over again: he (she) starts treating you like crap and you start to defend them because, well, there’s no one like them in this world.




Marlena Bontas

Content writer, tea drinker, English-Romanian girl living abroad. Writes about NPD, relationships, health, finances and business.